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Posted on Jan 11, 2019 at 02:06 PM

Is it possible that there is someone for me? Especially now under this new circumstance? Certainlyy someone who is negative would have nothing to do with me, I mean honestly, before my diagnosis I would keep miles away from a positive person. Funny how things work. 

Ive been abstaining from sex for the last 8 months since my diagnosis. Suddenly I find myself wanting, even desperate for anothers touch. Is there anybody out there? It has become very lonely in my world. I used to be the life of the party. Very social and never a problem in my sex life. Im different now. I dont like me anymore and im not at all okay with my world. What do I do? Ive considered the options and the onnly one that makes perfect sense is to hit myself with 3 points of heroin and sleep it all away. Very enticing. I was speaking with my mental health worker about a month ago just before I went into the hospital under a form 3, and I mentioned suicide as a viable option and he said to me, "but you have so much to live for and going for you." I laughed and then cried. I said,"oh yeah?" Tell me 3 things Ive got to live for and going for me." He hung his head and I hung mine as I was hit with a hard dose of truth. I have nothing to live for and Ive got nothing going for me. In fact, if I were to ask 10 proffessionals not bouded by any code of ethics or creed to tell me honestly if I should kill myself or not. 8 would probably say," I would if I were you." What the fuck! How did it come to this? How could I have been so careless?

Incase you are wondering, I became infected by accidentally sticking myself with my bestfriends needle. I didnt know he was positive and we used drugs together for 3 years. Im angry that he didnt ever tell me considering the dangers of drug injection and the odds of an accidental prick but at the end of the day its my own fault. I should have been more careful and not so niave.


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